Typing out loud

Today I had the idea I might publish my brain's ramblings on a blog. I thought, maybe I'll make a new blog. What would I call it? Then thought, wait, I already have a blog, I'll just post there. I came to the site only to learn that my last post was June 20, 2015 - EXACTLY FIVE YEARS AGO. What's more is the post is about a 10k race I ran in Paris...which is where I now live. I can visualize that weekend so clearly - the little Airbnb I stayed in just a few blocks from my previous flat; enjoying a kir in the sun at Le Sancerre, a favorite bar of mine now; coffee in Palais Royal, one of my preferred places in Paris.

And I came back to today to write out thoughts about leaving Paris.

In August 2017 I moved to France to pursue an MBA, a goal I'd had for many years. I moved into a dorm on the HEC Paris campus with 100 fellow classmates and lived there for 8 months before I moved to Paris in July 2018. There, I had a teeny studio with all I needed in life (except a washing machine), plus a view of the Tuileries and a balcony. In July 2019 I moved to my current flat, a larger and more comfortable place with a couch, a faux fireplace, lots of storage AND a washing machine (honestly this flat is the perfect studio). I love it here. I love my neighborhood, the location, how much this place feels like home. It's all mine and I love that.

In January 2019, I started a role at a boutique agency for a big e-retail project for Moët Hennessy. I drastically improved my French, helped the agency win more business, and was able to walk to work (a major win in a city where transport strikes are frequent). The project ended in February 2020, which I took as a sign of perfect timing to pursue another goal of mine: to attend yoga teacher training, which I did in March 2020. Prior to leaving for Bali, I signed a contract at an IGO for a three-month stint, the idea being that in those three months the organization would raise funds for me to be able to be hired for a full-time role afterward.

While I was in Bali, COVID-19 became a global pandemic.

At the end of March, I returned to a very different Paris than the one I'd left a few weeks earlier. The airport was eerily empty. I could easily get a seat on the RER. I needed a form stating I'd just returned from abroad, which was why I was outside the 1km radius we were allowed. At work, I was onboarded to the team remotely, and have only worked from home in this role. To say it's been challenging would be an understatement.

And that funding they'd planned to raise? Needless to say, it did not come through. After June 30, I will no longer be employed.

At first, this prospect terrified me. Jobless in this economy, with four months left on my visa... What if I couldn't find a job? What if I ran out of money? What if I can't extend my lease?

I admit, it still does terrify me. The questions swirl in my head but I am learning to ride the waves. There are always waves in life. In times like this perhaps they become more obvious and look more like swells than waves, but I just have to keep my head above water and ride the ups and downs, remembering that every up has a down, and every down has an up.  Instead of being scared of losing something, I can look at it as an opportunity to gain everything.

It's all upside.

I am totally, utterly, completely free. Unfettered. Free to do just about anything I choose. I can try to find a contract here in France, I can set up my own business in France, I can move to the US or maybe get wild and look for jobs farther afield. There are pros and cons to everything, and there's where my head is right now...

Pros for staying in France:
- Affordable healthcare
- Cost of living (no gym, no metro, affordable rent and income coming the next couple months makes it easy for me to afford my lifestyle)
- Way of life (emphasis on life vs. work)

Cons of staying in France:
- Taxes will increase dramatically if I start my own business
- Bureaucracy (renewing visas, paperwork, did I mention taxes?)
- Far from home

And there's also the other side, pros and cons of leaving France...

Pros of leaving France (and moving to the US):
- Closer to family
- Free from this maddening bureaucracy
- Relocating to a place that's closer to nature, the beach...it's something I really miss

Cons of leaving France (and moving to the US):
- Healthcare
- Trump
- Cost of living

There are plenty more to add on both sides of the coin. I've been overseas for six years though, and it's been one of the best experiences of my life (maybe even the BEST experience of my life...!). The people I've met, the places I've visited, the experiences I've had, the things I've learned...the list goes on! I could not be more grateful for this experience, all starting with me asking Ketchum to move me to London, and them obliging me in July 2014. It's been such a rewarding experience. I feel like I came and did everything that I wanted to do. There's always more to do though, isn't there? There are more places I want to visit, things I want to do, people I want to meet!

But right now I have an idea of what's next: take July off, travel around France a bit, and head back to the US near my family at the end of July, when my lease ends. Hang out, start a company, buy a car, and drive to California.

I have some more reflecting to do - what do I want my life to look like five years from now, and what can I start to put into place now to get me there? - but this is a start.

It may be a tiny wave right now, but I have the feeling it has the potential to be so much more.