A lot can change in 10 days

Ten days ago I was thinking I'd have July off.

I pictured myself visiting Paris's sites and monuments with few tourists, dining at restaurants I'd been wanting to try, walking aimlessly through the city streets, and, of course, figuring out what I want to do with my life. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of not having a job, but my three-month contract had come to an end and I'd been told it could not be extended. I was upset, felt like a failure, worried I hadn't done a good enough job, and cried. I felt my feelings, let them go, and figured I'd figure it out - it would all be OK. This was the right thing.

And in the meantime I'd have the chance to reflect, soul search, and enjoy the calm of a tourist-free Paris. I'd even booked a holiday to the beach in July, thinking it'd be ideal to escape the city and enjoy the ocean. All this, before possibly moving back to the US at the end of July or beginning of August, as I speculated in my previous post.

You know what they say about the best laid plans, though...

On Friday, my boss put a call on the diary, but her schedule got so busy that we didn't connect until Monday. She had found some projects for me to work on, and could I stay on into July if I hadn't accepted any other offers? Of course I told her I could, except for the dates I'm going away, and on July 15 (after my mini-break to the coast and France's Bastille Day holiday) I will work for another month with this team.

[Side note: You know what's funny? I haven't actually met any of my team members in person - except for my boss, whom I met at my last interview back in October, and another member I ran into on the street when I recognized his voice from the countless Zoom calls we've had. For me, it's been a bit strange and unsettling to work with people I've never met - though freelancers and WFH-ers have been doing this since...forever. And it's likely to be the new normal for at least the rest of the year. In fact, I may never work in my company's offices...!]

With this contract extension, I understood that I had worried and projected negative energy onto the situation and myself for absolutely no reason at all.

I'd taken something that wasn't personal, and made it personal.

But it's not about me. It was a business decision. At the time, it wasn't possible to keep me on. But we all know, things change. Things change hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second. Why wouldn't they change from one day to 10 days later, too?

I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to work with the team for another month, and hopefully make more of an impact. I am excited about the projects that I'm slated to work on - they will offer the chance to demonstrate my skills and also learn new skills. I'm glad to get to work with my colleagues for longer, as I feel I've only really scratched the surface of understanding their capabilities and what we can all achieve together.

One thing I've noticed in recent years is that I can tend to be quite structured. I like routine. I like having a plan. If the plan needs to change, usually I can be amenable to it, but sometimes I'm less flexible. I'd often thought of myself as flexible and adaptable, able to go with the flow, given that my family moved around all the time when my brother and I we were kids. But this latest change - which would usually be seen as a good thing: a contract extension, another month of a salary! - threw me for a loop. I didn't anticipate this outcome, and it threw off my plan for July. In fact, I'd grown attached to the outcome of a free and easy July where I figured out my next steps, and when this objectively good opportunity to extend the contract arose, it took a while for my brain to reboot and adjust the synapses. But letting go of outcomes is something I've been working on this year, and this situation is an example I'll come back to the next time I find myself attached to one thing, but something else happens.

In fact, that's exactly how some opportunities get missed. I can get so focused on one particular outcome that I fail to notice other opportunities around me. In some cases it's good to have a goal, a dream, an objective, something to strive for. I wouldn't have gotten London, then business school, then Paris without setting those objectives for myself. And I have to do the work - though I do believe that luck or timing is involved to a certain degree, dreams and opportunities are not just going to land in my lap. I have to go out and work toward them.

Coming back to my current situation and this new outcome for July, I wondered how it could be true that the right thing for me to do in July was to wander and reflect, and also that I work for the month of July?

Well, as I've seen in multiple examples recently, they don't have to be mutually exclusive. They can both be the right thing.

It's not an either/or, but an and.

In fact, when I think about it, I have managed to have the best of both worlds with this setup. I have two weeks to relax and reflect, AND a month to work on these projects.

What will happen after August 11? Who knows. But I am open to the possibilities. And while I do intend to set some goals, think about what could be next for me, and lay at least a few plans down, I also want to be sure that I accept everything, reject nothing, and enjoy every moment.

Typing out loud

Today I had the idea I might publish my brain's ramblings on a blog. I thought, maybe I'll make a new blog. What would I call it? Then thought, wait, I already have a blog, I'll just post there. I came to the site only to learn that my last post was June 20, 2015 - EXACTLY FIVE YEARS AGO. What's more is the post is about a 10k race I ran in Paris...which is where I now live. I can visualize that weekend so clearly - the little Airbnb I stayed in just a few blocks from my previous flat; enjoying a kir in the sun at Le Sancerre, a favorite bar of mine now; coffee in Palais Royal, one of my preferred places in Paris.

And I came back to today to write out thoughts about leaving Paris.

In August 2017 I moved to France to pursue an MBA, a goal I'd had for many years. I moved into a dorm on the HEC Paris campus with 100 fellow classmates and lived there for 8 months before I moved to Paris in July 2018. There, I had a teeny studio with all I needed in life (except a washing machine), plus a view of the Tuileries and a balcony. In July 2019 I moved to my current flat, a larger and more comfortable place with a couch, a faux fireplace, lots of storage AND a washing machine (honestly this flat is the perfect studio). I love it here. I love my neighborhood, the location, how much this place feels like home. It's all mine and I love that.

In January 2019, I started a role at a boutique agency for a big e-retail project for Moët Hennessy. I drastically improved my French, helped the agency win more business, and was able to walk to work (a major win in a city where transport strikes are frequent). The project ended in February 2020, which I took as a sign of perfect timing to pursue another goal of mine: to attend yoga teacher training, which I did in March 2020. Prior to leaving for Bali, I signed a contract at an IGO for a three-month stint, the idea being that in those three months the organization would raise funds for me to be able to be hired for a full-time role afterward.

While I was in Bali, COVID-19 became a global pandemic.

At the end of March, I returned to a very different Paris than the one I'd left a few weeks earlier. The airport was eerily empty. I could easily get a seat on the RER. I needed a form stating I'd just returned from abroad, which was why I was outside the 1km radius we were allowed. At work, I was onboarded to the team remotely, and have only worked from home in this role. To say it's been challenging would be an understatement.

And that funding they'd planned to raise? Needless to say, it did not come through. After June 30, I will no longer be employed.

At first, this prospect terrified me. Jobless in this economy, with four months left on my visa... What if I couldn't find a job? What if I ran out of money? What if I can't extend my lease?

I admit, it still does terrify me. The questions swirl in my head but I am learning to ride the waves. There are always waves in life. In times like this perhaps they become more obvious and look more like swells than waves, but I just have to keep my head above water and ride the ups and downs, remembering that every up has a down, and every down has an up.  Instead of being scared of losing something, I can look at it as an opportunity to gain everything.

It's all upside.

I am totally, utterly, completely free. Unfettered. Free to do just about anything I choose. I can try to find a contract here in France, I can set up my own business in France, I can move to the US or maybe get wild and look for jobs farther afield. There are pros and cons to everything, and there's where my head is right now...

Pros for staying in France:
- Affordable healthcare
- Cost of living (no gym, no metro, affordable rent and income coming the next couple months makes it easy for me to afford my lifestyle)
- Way of life (emphasis on life vs. work)

Cons of staying in France:
- Taxes will increase dramatically if I start my own business
- Bureaucracy (renewing visas, paperwork, did I mention taxes?)
- Far from home

And there's also the other side, pros and cons of leaving France...

Pros of leaving France (and moving to the US):
- Closer to family
- Free from this maddening bureaucracy
- Relocating to a place that's closer to nature, the beach...it's something I really miss

Cons of leaving France (and moving to the US):
- Healthcare
- Trump
- Cost of living

There are plenty more to add on both sides of the coin. I've been overseas for six years though, and it's been one of the best experiences of my life (maybe even the BEST experience of my life...!). The people I've met, the places I've visited, the experiences I've had, the things I've learned...the list goes on! I could not be more grateful for this experience, all starting with me asking Ketchum to move me to London, and them obliging me in July 2014. It's been such a rewarding experience. I feel like I came and did everything that I wanted to do. There's always more to do though, isn't there? There are more places I want to visit, things I want to do, people I want to meet!

But right now I have an idea of what's next: take July off, travel around France a bit, and head back to the US near my family at the end of July, when my lease ends. Hang out, start a company, buy a car, and drive to California.

I have some more reflecting to do - what do I want my life to look like five years from now, and what can I start to put into place now to get me there? - but this is a start.

It may be a tiny wave right now, but I have the feeling it has the potential to be so much more.